First off, yes that was a Europe reference up there… and yeah Europe!
Second… I must warn you, in this blog I may ignore appealing to delicate sensibilities of the masses. My younger readers outside of the industry standard target demographic of 18 to 35 may want to try and read some words with an audible bleep noise as to not offend their impressionable minds.
And finally before I begin, who would have thought that anyone would ever read a sentence like the one that kicked off this blog. But it perfectly captured what transpired this past Friday. The only problem with our countdown, Hayden forgot to mention to us that she was ready for blast off.
But!
Regardless of her failure to adhere to any form of an itinerary, we came through with flying colors. Stars and stripes even. And since taking my word for it defeats any purpose of writing today’s blog, I shall take you through the weekend’s events as best as my skewed memory will allow.
Friday June 11th: Roughly 2:30 p.m. – Melissa and I decide to leave the house and try to salvage some shred of productivity and accomplishment for the day. Our attack plan includes a stop at Target for impulse shopping and Wal-Mart for paint and supplies.
4:30 p.m. – Both stops went off without a hitch. But at this point hunger has begun to creep into our lives. A quick congress of our household has determined that Mexican food is our best chance to fend off such an adversary.
5:10 p.m. – We arrive at La Salsa. The main thing you should gather from this point is that it would behoove you to try the mango salsa. It is “shit” worthy. As in, “this mango salsa is the shit.”
6:00 p.m. – Food was great, now we decide to stall our evening by stopping at Borders for some casual window shopping. I find many things I want, Melissa echoes this sentiment.
7:30 p.m. – We return home to an expected evening of collectively sitting firmly on our asses and doing nothing.
7:38 p.m. – I run to the store to indulge my wife’s impulse craving for chocolate. And pick up some Chips Ahoy for myself. I love Chips Ahoy.
8:58 p.m. – It is almost time for Real Time with Bill Maher. I arrange myself in a position to maximize my comfort and perform relaxing foot rubs on my over taxed wife without detracting from my ideal viewing angle.
9:05 p.m. – The first vocal contraction hits.
9:22 p.m. – After four more intense contraction, we decide to use our direct line to a labor and delivery nurse (thank you Rachel) and see what she suggests. Coming to the hospital was here instructions. Seems like a smart plan.
9:28 p.m. – The truck is packed and we are heading to the hospital.
9:39 p.m. – I miss the first exit to the hospital and begin to release some profane language. All the while Melissa keeps focused by repeating the mantra, “The epidural is my friend.”
9:46 p.m. – Not deterred by the slight detour, we arrive and take “blue to two” where we check in and Melissa uses a “6 or 7” as to describe the intensity of her current pain level.
9:46 and a half p.m. – She changes her answer to “10!”
9:49 p.m. – Check in is over and we are wheeled to a prep room where Melissa is to change into the traditional unfinished gown of the hospital. Not half way through the disrobing of the daily clothes she firmly instructs me to get a nurse because she wants to push right away.
9:50 p.m. – Total fucking chaos.
You’ll now have to excuse me, but apparently from 9:51 p.m. to roughly 10:28 p.m. time managed to somehow slip itself into some cosmic vortex were the surreal kung fu kicked the shit out of the real and then bombarded me with a series of quick mental images containing bright traces of crimson and loud protest of intense pain. At this point the doctors informed us that the friendly epidural will not be joining us tonight in some sort of protest of our not sticking to the mutually accepted course of action.
10:29 p.m. – The real reasserts itself in the continuum by violently punching the surreal in the throat when it was distracted by the Klingon shaped “crown” that added itself to the equation.
10:32 p.m. – Rachel’s previously unmentioned presence in the room has paid it’s next dividend by instructing Melissa to bear down and give one last good old college try push.
10:33 p.m. – Baby Hayden introduces herself to us with what would be a very annoying series of screams were she someone else’s newborn. Instead, she might as well been channeling Maria Callas because it was breathtakingly beautiful.
Saturday June 12th 2:39 a.m. – After me cutting the cord, the docs and nurses tending to the wife, seeing to the health of Hayden, visiting with some friends and eventually changing to our extended stay room; the three of us settled down for the night. Missy in her hospital bed, Hayden in a plastic box mounted on a wooden cart with wheels, and me on a couch that fit as snug as a coffin (I don’t know this for certain, but I would guess a coffin is way more comfortable).
3:45 a.m. 4:58 a.m. and again at 6:30 a.m. – Hayden woke up, cried, we soothed, and repeated.
For the times between 6:45 a.m. and 1:10 p.m. we did our own thing with the occasional dropping in of a nurse or two.
1:21 p.m. – Our first official visitor came bearing gifts. And then was threatened to have her kids removed from the waiting room when impatience took a hold of her 4 year old the Lilly-Bug. Things were resolved, her two boys and finished watching USA play to a tie after rallying behind a Buckner-esque play by England’s goalie. D’oh! Now I am off to release the hound… or take care of the Murph. He’s no doubt went stir crazy and I fear for the safety of the house.
2:18 p.m. – I have returned to the hospital with Mike Foss in tote. He has agreed to Murph-sit for the evening. Fifty minutes from now he will leave, this will be the last time anyone has ever heard from Mike Foss again.
2:30 p.m. – Family visit time, or Kalen meets her lil' sis for the first time! We finally have some family come and see us. Me ‘maw and pa ’paw showed up with Aunt Kay-Kay and the Kalenator. Hayden was passed around like a baton in a relay race.
3:10 p.m. – Baby to boob time. So we all leave the room. In the waiting room Uncle Chris appears with a side of Korah Beans.
3:40 p.m. – The two sisters appear to have hit it off… I suspect sibling rivalry to develop in the very near future.
4:48 p.m. – As quickly as they descended upon us, the family files out into the hall and out the doors. We are left with a small bit of quiet time before dinner.
5:20 p.m. – The Benders show up with Bread Co. and a plaque officially labeling Hayden by name in hand. Rachel has now accomplished a third and fourth labor for us. She is becoming much like Hercules in this respect.
6:30 p.m. – The Benders have now left. Rachel to work here at the hospital and John to no doubt go and perform some sort of tribute for being bestowed such a legendary and heroic fiancé.
The rest of this night was filled with short one hour bursts of sleep and occasional visits from nurses, both for Hayden and Melissa. If I had label an official start to this third day I would say it was around at 6:02 a.m. when I awoke seeking coffee.
Sunday June 13th 6:12 a.m. - Coffee was found.
6:15 a.m. - A brief encounter with Rachel in the cafeteria lead to no labor accomplished. After all, heroes get to take a morning off.
7:02 a.m. – Breakfast was ate by Hayden and then by us. Slowly, preparations are being made for our exit.
7:15 a.m. – Rachel visits before leaving work for the day. She blesses us safe journey and grants us leave latter today. It’s not official in the eyes of the hospital, but this is her fifth labor to us. By my count she is still seven behind the mythological figure Hercules. Knowing her she’ll strive for a thirteenth so as not to be outdone by anyone.
8:10 a.m. - I hold Hayden while mom takes a fifteen minute nap.
8:52 a.m. – The nurses took my child. They claim their intentions are pure, but one can’t be too careful. Supposedly this will lead to me being allowed to take her home. No word yet for Melissa. At this point it I can only assume she has to work off her debt to the hospital. It will be an odd week without her.
9:08 a.m. – I struggle to find an end to this blog. Perhaps I will just add “End of part one… see you at home for the finally of our weekend – J”. Or something to that effect.
9:18 a.m. The baby's doctor came in and told us all the ins and outs of operating a baby. She is allowed to leave. Still no word on the fate of Melissa. Baby is back in the room.
9:28 a.m. - End of part one… see you at home for the finally of our weekend - J
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