Comparing the Value of Social Updates

Let me give you a small bit of back-story to start this blog. A month or two back, as most of you iPhone users know, Apple released iOS.5. And with it, came the nice and handy "reminder" app. This all happen to coincide with my being promoted to salesmen over the metro eastern part of the greater St. Louis area.

The relevance of this blog has to do with my using of that app for appointments and what not. 

You see, my wife, knows that I need to check it daily. So the clever little minx got into it and put in a reoccurring alert that tells me to "love my wife" on a weekly basis (sneaky and adorable). Those of you that pay any attention to me on the social 'book, know that my status updates have mentioned this a couple or three times... including once today.

It's the "once today" that will finally bring me to the point.

The status I posted today was my subtle attempt at being cute and witty. An attempt that I feel was a success. An attempt to which none of you cared to respond or comment.

Then, a short time after, I added a second status update. One about narrowly avoiding pooping my pants. A disastrous near miss if you will.

And at the time of posting this, that status update had 10 comments and 5 "likes". Thus proving to me, the overwhelming majority of you prefer fecal humor over heartwarming little gestures of love.

Love vs. poop... a messy battle - J

Hard Knock Life.

Today, battered and bruised, Hayden found out that when life throws monumental obstacles for you to traverse and sometimes knocks you down... you've got to get up, dust off your Osh-Kosh's and keep on keeping on.

And she learned with a tear soaked smile.

Just one tough sixteen month old - J

Shamless Self Promomotion.

The sole purpose of this blog is to promote my new fiction serial blog Myles Barrett: Kung Fu Gumshoe.

So don't be angry.

I know that it's been awhile since I've posted anything remotely resembling something of worth. But look at it this way... if I get this other blog going, it'll get the ol' creative juices flowing and maybe that will lead to more here as well.

That's twice the wit! Twice the insight! Twice the fun!

So read both. FOLLOW both. And chat me up to everyone.

Thank you and good day - J

Small... But Very Manly Blog

This past weekend I had a heart to heart with my grandpa.

Keep in mind; he is of the old ways.

After "telling" my wife to get me some more coffee and her doing it, he said that he was very happy to see that of all his children/grandchildren... I was the only one that wasn't henpecked.

I told him the secret was this. I let my wife know that she has two options. She take me putting my foot down, or she can take me putting the same foot up her a$$.

Luckily for her she wasn't even close to being in the room at the time.

All man right here - J

“His disciples lead him in, and he just does the rest.”

There are people in this world that would have you believe that games such as pinball are based primarily on luck. These are the same people who subscribe to the same school of thought for Texas Hold’em as well.

I however, think that in both cases, those people are idiots.

If that way of thinking were true, I would’ve qualified for the WPT at least once. And at some point amidst my hundred or so games of silver ball this past Saturday night, I would have walked away with at least one or two high scores.

As it stands though, I didn’t. And furthermore, I found that I don’t possess the patience it takes for one to become a true pinball master. You would think you wouldn’t need much to play such a frenetic paced game, what with the multi ball feature and all. But in all honesty, it takes just that; patience plus dedication and determination. You have to be focused and pay attention to the game in front of you. None of these things I have… especially after a handful of PBR tall boys.

Also, I have a question, when did pinball become one of the chosen pastimes of stoners and drunkards? And how the f#%k are they so damn good at it?

I bring all of these points and questions to your attention because this past Saturday night I took part in a party bus trip from a Missouri bar called The Silver Ball Room (not located near a castle mind you) to an Illinois establishment called CP Pinball (which is a BYOB place). The trip itself, though less than desirable conditions (a$$ to elbow as it were), wasn’t at all a bad time. In fact, for the most part, it was my favorite part of the trip. I would have selected a different spread of booze (the aforementioned PBR plus Busch, his lighter sibling and some other random flavored beers); but what are you going to do… free booze people.

Anyway…

CP is this all you can play pinball hall with 60 plus machines, a couple of arcades and a few bar games. A normal person would pay ten bones to play for like four hours (roughly two hours longer then needed). For me, being a part of the wizardly bus pilgrimage and loaded to the brim with cheap booze and rocking out to 80’s punk rock, the evening ran about three times that... a price that normally I could easily recoup by devouring bad beer like Godzilla downs tiny Asian commuters. This night though, it was my duty to wear the hat of designated driver. A younger me wouldn’t have taken this responsibility very well. Luckily I am now older, more mature, and infinitely more capable of bearing the burden of such a weighty hat.

Mind you, compared to that younger me, I could only go up.

So after many hours of playing pinball and nursing those tall boys, we reboarded the same cramped shuttle and headed back to the good side of the river. After which I discovered that relatively sober, Taco Bell’s 4th meal is still amazingly delicious (BCB... just saying). Apparently liquor has little effect on the flavor of food past the stroke of midnight.

Who knew?

…

Since it seems that I lost the point of this blog, I’m just going to sign off and try to score with this hot mom to my right. My odds increase greatly when I put down the laptop and focus my attention on her.

Don’t go changing people - J

Saturday Funnies

I’ve always wondered what goes through my lil’ bits’ head as she plays.

I’d like to say this strip sheds some light on the mystery... but the truth is I’m not sure if she even likes late night talk shows. I can’t even say that she like to spew out the obscenities.

I can tell you she can change moods on you that quick.

You women get that early. Must be handed down from mom's.

I'm goin now - J

Accept No Substitutes!

N0 one has ever accused me of being “prissy”. I don’t have “refined ways” or “uppity tendencies”. I’ve also never been called "pretentious".

But!

I do posses possibly the most complex and sensitive set of taste buds of anyone I know. Some might say they're downright picky. So… taking THAT into consideration AND also that those kinds of thoughts have been stuck rooting around my craw for most of the weekend… you get the cathartic genesis of a blog such as this.

Previous blogs of mine have mentioned my disgust for impostor versions of the things that I find appealing. The Log Cabin blog comes to mind foremost (really it’s the only blog on the matter). I figured that for this blog I would take that topic and run. Also, very quickly you’ll noticed I stray from the digestive qualifier that spawned the idea. To be honest with you, I only used it as a paper thin vehicle to get to the meat of the blog, call it a means from getting from point A to point 3 (I'm certain I just recycled that joke).

So without any more ado then already given, allow me to share with you my Top 10 List of Things That PI$$ Me Off When Someone Attempts to Substitute a Like But Painfully Obvious Impostor Item!

It’s a bit wordy of a title… I apologize.

10. Dr. Pepper – Trust me Wally-World, your Thunder’s doctorate obviously came from a lesser school. Apply this witty play on names to almost any knock off flavor, the good Doctor doesn’t hold it exclusively.

9. Lego’s – Maybe it’s just a licensing problem, but throw in all the properties that it represents (DC Comics, Star Wars, etc.) and the diversity in themes… Mega-anything else just combines to do nothing but suck a$$.

8. Kraft American Cheese Slices – By far the best individually sliced cheese product on the planet. All impostors more closely resemble the taste of cardboard then that of delicious cheese. So there…

7. Chips Ahoy Cookies – I am a self admitted addict of chocolate chip cookies. So when I tell you that these are the best non-fresh baked cookies on the market and all others are better served as dry edible shurikens, you should take my word.


6. G.I. Joes – You could also throw in He-Man and/or Transformers (although The Gobots had their place)… but any kid that pawned off one of the knock offs as a birthday gift was, and rightfully should have been, escorted away from your party and never invited back.

5. Playboy – Say what you want about your thoughts on adult material and why you think men (or women… whatever) purchase them, but through a combination of top notch writing (on staff or featured) and tastefully done pictorials, this bunny has kept a fairly high level of class that its competition can never touched. After all… a person can only watch one woman urinate on another so much before it becomes a tad tedious.

4. Shoes – Nike, Adidas, etc. Now I am not snooty sneaker Nazi by any means; but you spend less than fifty bones on a pair of "kicks", after a month of hardened travel… straight bones is exactly what you’ll be walking on.

3. High end sports cars – This one is more a question then a statement… why the s#!t do car thieves steal Gremlins and Slug Bugs? The sentence for grand theft auto is indiscriminate as to the kind of car involved. Nut up already, in the theft world there should be no excsue for stealing a Datsun over a Diablo.

2. Johnsonville Bratwurst – Sure your local butcher has some high quality sausage… but for prepackaged and mass produced sausage, their Beer’n Brats are a can’t miss purchase. All other meat is just kidding themselves.

1. Log Cabin Syrup – Duh.

There you go. As always, I encourage you to argue or amend. Pleas your case, you’d be wrong if you do of course...

But feel free to give it a try - J

Super Rare Saturday Funnies... or TOTAL B.S.!!!!!

So the obvious joke is the hair.

But my lil' daughter's and my matching hair styles aside, those that have read me since the beginning know the true punchline I'm shooting for here.

And don't worry... the next one will be less veiled.

Hand to the heavens people - J

Paul Anak Probably Meant Something Else Entirely

Maybe I’ve turned into just an old married man. Maybe the years and countless “apology” presents for wrongs I’m still not sure I committed have soured me. Or maybe I’ve just taken for granted what it means to be young and discover new love. Whatever the case… seeing young love in action like I did just yesterday both saddens me and makes my heart melt a little.
 
It's great to witness a young man doing his best to impress his lady friend by posturing in the manliest of fashions. To watch him borderline prance to and fro as he walked. And I would smile as he lovingly teased her every chance he could.
 
I watched that same young man being driven crazy by that same lady. She would appear indifferent toward him one moment, and then like a giddy little girl the next. You could see her work him into a frenzy by the slightest movement. It almost appeared as if she was dancing for him, and no music was needed to keep rhythm.
 
The interaction between the two was almost comical. But still loving and a little moving. With each moment and interaction between the two, you could see how much they yearned for each other’s company. It was as if every glance in one another’s direction just made them happier just to be near each other.
 
Yeah, I would have to say it’s a safe bet that if my big retarded dog ever made his way into the neighbor’s yard… he’s going to hump the s#!t out her lady dog.
 
Hope she’s fixed - J  

A Small Blog w/Small Thoughts.

So my new body wash claims that it has a “Classical Masculine Scent”.

Personally I’ve always envisioned my scent as being more post-modern.

But hey… manly is manly no matter what genre it smells like - J