Accept No Substitutes!

N0 one has ever accused me of being “prissy”. I don’t have “refined ways” or “uppity tendencies”. I’ve also never been called "pretentious".

But!

I do posses possibly the most complex and sensitive set of taste buds of anyone I know. Some might say they're downright picky. So… taking THAT into consideration AND also that those kinds of thoughts have been stuck rooting around my craw for most of the weekend… you get the cathartic genesis of a blog such as this.

Previous blogs of mine have mentioned my disgust for impostor versions of the things that I find appealing. The Log Cabin blog comes to mind foremost (really it’s the only blog on the matter). I figured that for this blog I would take that topic and run. Also, very quickly you’ll noticed I stray from the digestive qualifier that spawned the idea. To be honest with you, I only used it as a paper thin vehicle to get to the meat of the blog, call it a means from getting from point A to point 3 (I'm certain I just recycled that joke).

So without any more ado then already given, allow me to share with you my Top 10 List of Things That PI$$ Me Off When Someone Attempts to Substitute a Like But Painfully Obvious Impostor Item!

It’s a bit wordy of a title… I apologize.

10. Dr. Pepper – Trust me Wally-World, your Thunder’s doctorate obviously came from a lesser school. Apply this witty play on names to almost any knock off flavor, the good Doctor doesn’t hold it exclusively.

9. Lego’s – Maybe it’s just a licensing problem, but throw in all the properties that it represents (DC Comics, Star Wars, etc.) and the diversity in themes… Mega-anything else just combines to do nothing but suck a$$.

8. Kraft American Cheese Slices – By far the best individually sliced cheese product on the planet. All impostors more closely resemble the taste of cardboard then that of delicious cheese. So there…

7. Chips Ahoy Cookies – I am a self admitted addict of chocolate chip cookies. So when I tell you that these are the best non-fresh baked cookies on the market and all others are better served as dry edible shurikens, you should take my word.


6. G.I. Joes – You could also throw in He-Man and/or Transformers (although The Gobots had their place)… but any kid that pawned off one of the knock offs as a birthday gift was, and rightfully should have been, escorted away from your party and never invited back.

5. Playboy – Say what you want about your thoughts on adult material and why you think men (or women… whatever) purchase them, but through a combination of top notch writing (on staff or featured) and tastefully done pictorials, this bunny has kept a fairly high level of class that its competition can never touched. After all… a person can only watch one woman urinate on another so much before it becomes a tad tedious.

4. Shoes – Nike, Adidas, etc. Now I am not snooty sneaker Nazi by any means; but you spend less than fifty bones on a pair of "kicks", after a month of hardened travel… straight bones is exactly what you’ll be walking on.

3. High end sports cars – This one is more a question then a statement… why the s#!t do car thieves steal Gremlins and Slug Bugs? The sentence for grand theft auto is indiscriminate as to the kind of car involved. Nut up already, in the theft world there should be no excsue for stealing a Datsun over a Diablo.

2. Johnsonville Bratwurst – Sure your local butcher has some high quality sausage… but for prepackaged and mass produced sausage, their Beer’n Brats are a can’t miss purchase. All other meat is just kidding themselves.

1. Log Cabin Syrup – Duh.

There you go. As always, I encourage you to argue or amend. Pleas your case, you’d be wrong if you do of course...

But feel free to give it a try - J