Fatherhood as Sport.

I’m pretty sure I was in college or close to when Cuba Gooding Jr. uttered the popular line, “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” thus propelling him directly into his fifteen minutes of fame and an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Not a bad catch phrase, but it was another small line that my friends and I locked in after watching the movie Jerry Maguire for the first time.

“You’re Jerry Ma’F@#*ing’guire.”

We used to like taking the same emphatic slur and place it in between the syllables of our last names. Well, mostly just my best friend Big D and I. And really it was my name that worked best for the parody. So because of that, it became sort of my own private motivational rallying cry.

“I’m Jeremy Bo’F@#*ing’hannon.”

To this day I still say it from time to time. I’d like to say it’s gotten me through some tough times. But really it’s just something to make me and the same best friend laugh while consuming alcohol.

That is until recently.

In the past few months since becoming a stay at home mom/dad, I've unknowingly entered into a battle of wills with a four year old. And I seem to be constantly on the losing end, so a rallying cry is exactly what it takes to get me going.

It’s gotten so rough that I’ve even began assigning points to each time we go at it. For instance; every time I ask her to do anything and she does it the first time, I get 3 points. If it takes a second request, that’s 2 points. It’s a push for three requests and then -1 and -2 for each there after. If I have to raise my voice in frustration, that’s -5. Now if at anytime she starts doing what she’s supposed to just from an intense stare, then I get 10 points.

At first glance, you may think that the scoring system seems weighted in my favor. And you’d be thinking right. That’s because in the actual battle, she has the high ground. So I need any scoring edge that I can get.

You see my only weapons in this battle are logic and reason. Kalen’s bringing emotion and youthful irrationality to the table. Anyone who’s ever fought in a similar battle knows the weight of her weapons make it near impossible for any chance at victory. In fact, to this day I’ve only achieved one 10 point stare.

And that day remains the closest I’ve ever came to a win.

Luckily for me and in spite of all her childlike irritations, she’s also bringing innocence and adorableness as well. What I’m learning and what other fathers probably or at least should already know, is that the weight of those two things make up for almost any battle, any problems, any negatives that may occur through the years.

Well, I say through the years. But I’m sure when she gets to be a teenager, all that cute innocence goes right out the window and attitude and angst will become her weapons of choice. And then there’ll be boys… after that I’d say I’m probably doomed. At least I have ten or so years before that starts happening.

Oh… and if you want to know the daily scores.

112 to 2 her... on average – J