Random Funnies: Antici..... pation

Sometimes talking to a four year old is an exercise in patience.

And while I’ve never been an impatient person in life… this can push even me to my breaking point. If she still does this into her thirty’s like my good friend Carter, then I might have to punch her in the throat.

For now though she is too damn cute…

So I’ve got that going for me. - J

My Pause For the Cause is Cause to Walk With Haste

I have a big hole in my bathroom floor.

I’m not even exaggerating a little, a big gapping space right where the throne should be.

But other then that, my Monday has returned to normal.

My wife is back at work and the Kalenator, the Murph and I are all relaxing at home. Our only real inconvenience is the trek we have to take across the grass, up some stairs and into a friend’s empty apartment in order to “lighten our loads”. Hopefully this will only be a one day problem. I couldn’t imagine my wife being okay with the same walk more then once.

And once is a stretch.

Pooh walk aside, this blog and this day mark my last week as a stay at home mom/dad. Next Monday (my birthday… mark it down) I start my new job. And regardless of the excitement I feel of over beginning a new career path, I also have a good level of sadness. I mean making money is beyond great, but the Special K and I have gotten a lot closer over these last few months. And I’m going to miss that.

Who knew that this lil’ monster would burrow right into my big cold heart and make roost. I’ve never hated kids mind you; I’ve just always enjoyed knowing that every kid I knew was going home to their parents at the end of the day.

Now I am the parent… and I love it.

Years of hard solo manly living has taught me to ridicule someone like me. Good thing I can whip my own @$$... it keeps me from giving myself too much crap. Since I am safe for now, I guess my next step is to change the direction of this blog, that of new working dad.

Also… only one person attempted last weeks lyric. He got it wrong, so no high fives. I am very disappointed in you all.

Oh well… it may not be early morning yesterday… but I still must be moving on - J

Random Funnies

That’s right! Today the Kalenator returns!!

Talk about a great week. I am driving again. I found out I will be working again… at a really real job. The lil’ monster returns. And that’s not even the crème de la crème for the week!

So hooray for me, hooray for my wife, hooray for Kalen, and hooray for Murphy (cause he feels left out).

But don’t worry. This blog will still be going strong. Maybe not as often as my already sporadic present schedule… but I’m still going to post up a storm, probably with even more insightful daddy nuggets for you.

I’m also going to add a new feature to the end of each blog. On each sign off I’m going to add a little something. Like a lyric from a song by a band I am down with. Or maybe even an obscure movie quote. It’s your job to guess what it’s from. And just so you know, I’m probably going unintentionally intentionally butcher most of the quotes… or at least add my twist to ‘em. The first three or so people to get it right will receive an extremely coveted and very prestigious high five from me.

And don’t cheat jerk faces. Santa will be watching.

All that having been said, I will leave you with this thought; I wasn’t born in a big city like say Boston or New York. But if I was… you can beat your sweet behind that I would rock mad styles and hop turnstiles.

So boom… and see you next week - J

Friday... err... Random Funnies

*Editorial Note: Due to reasoning I bet I don’t have to tell you, the name of the Funnies has been changed. Also, my birthday is right around the corner (12 days). Keep that in mind.*

Ok, so I am not moping around all day in a depressed slump... but my beating you over the head with melodrama serves as a set up to the next Random Funnies I post.

So there – J

"Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time!"

I’m not a person filled with regret. Maybe you are. But I’m not. I guess it could be because I’ve never been one of those people that have ever sat down and listed his hopes and dreams. Maybe that’s lead me to not feel like I’ve missed anything. No accomplishments left unchecked so to speak.

Some may say that it sad. And if they did, they’d be wrong. In fact, for me, it’s quite the opposite. I guess if I sit down and think long and hard about things that I would have wanted to accomplish... then for the most part, I’ve done it.

Wife? Check. In fact she’s a great one. Family? Got that too. So far I’ve a great daughter, not my biological… but she calls me daddy. Dog? Not the English bulldog I’ve always wanted, but a sort of a mini horse with a unique personality. So check there as well. Career? Not yet on that one. But I’m working on it and I’m still young, so we’ll call it pending. Sure there is also a house, car, and other material things like that… but we’re talking real spiritual life stuff. And I am all good there.

Now that you know that I’ve lived a life of fulfillment, I’m going to do my best and come up with all the stuff that I’ve no chance of ever accomplishing but would be pretty damn cool… single, married, old, young, or otherwise.

First, I wish I could have flown just once. And not fake machine assisted flying. I mean the real Superman kind of flying. How cool would that be?

Second, I feel like I missed out on winning the World Series with a walk off home run in game 7 for the Cardinals. I think I would have been pretty humble. The kind of sports hero you’d want your kids to idolize.

Also, if I could have been a special ops bad ass, that’d have been cool. Not like real life stuff, but more like a force of one kind of Jason Bourne guy. Only without the whole memory loss and troubled background thing going on.

Oh and if I could or did have a robot arms, that’d rock. Maybe something that would allow me to be super strong and shoot lasers and stuff, but still looked normal. Because I’m sure big shiny metal arms would be kind of a turn off to my wife.

My buddy John the Neighbor brought up once that if he could be any black guy, he’d be Billy Dee Williams. And I for the life of me can’t think of any reason to be anyone else. So I wish I was Billy Dee Williams for like a week… or maybe two if I got free Colt .45 out of the deal.

And not to make my wife mad, but if I could have hooked up with just one more woman other than her… it would have been Wonder Woman. Not Lynda Carter, but the REAL one from the comics.

After thinking about it I guess there are a lot of things I wish I had accomplished already in life. I could probably go on and on. So I will wrap this up and give you just one last regret for you to think about.

I wish I could have been a popular radio DJ in the 80’s... maybe someone on one of the urban stations, someone hip enough that he'd be the emcee when all the big acts that passed through town. That way, I could’ve just once said this, “Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado… Morris Day and the mutha’ F@$%ing Time!”

That would have been pretty sweet - J

Ogami Ittō w/ No Daigorō or Peanut Butter w/ No Jelly

There will be a slight change in my usual format over the next two week… for the Kalenator will be visiting her biological in Tulsa over that time period.

And with her, she took the soul of this blog.

Yep, her dead beat has caught up the last few months of kid payments (sort of). So he gets to see her. The length of time he has her company isn’t so smiled upon by her mother or me, but it is tolerated because it’s convenient for him since he’ll be driving this way the week before All Hallows Eve anyway.

Normally I am not so hip on anything “convenient” for him, but we’re dealing with the littlest bright spot in my life here… and I don’t want to take any chances. I figure if all parties are happy, then the balance is worth the sacrifice. But needless to say, I am already awaiting her return.

On pins and needles even.

So with that said, over this Kalen-less time, you will get my old school (for those that have followed me before) rants about almost everything. Don’t expect any sort of witty social commentary or anything. More so the blog equivalent of slapstick… that’s closer to my game.

So far I have a few ideas bouncing around my noggin. There may even be a huge announcement(s) over the next couple of weeks, earth moving possibly. Or I may just fill the time with mindless drivel.

Who knows, I may just keep my pants off all week and wing it - J

Friday Funnies (Late Again).

Being that the Kalenator is four, it’s probably a safe bet that if you asked her about twenty times what her favorite season of the year is… she’d have a different answer each time. Being that I am thirty-one, I can tell you that my answer one hundred percent of the time would be fall. Of course I’ve got years of great memories to back that and she’s only been out of diapers a shade under two.

Memories aside, I think my reasons for loving fall are many. I love the slight chill that creeps in late in the day. I love the color change of the leaves. I love Halloween because it was my mom’s favorite holiday. I love that my birthday is right around the corner. I love that football is going strong and baseball is in its second season. I love the smell of hot chocolate and people baking more.

And I love that I met my wife in the fall.

Like I said, neither Kalen nor I could tell you what season is her favorite or why. But I can say that sometimes when I’m standing in our commons area taking the dog out for his evening constitution, I can close my eyes and feel almost like I’m her age all over again. (Because of the season, not the dog’s b.m.)

And that feeling is why I really love fall.

Fatherhood as Sport.

I’m pretty sure I was in college or close to when Cuba Gooding Jr. uttered the popular line, “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” thus propelling him directly into his fifteen minutes of fame and an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Not a bad catch phrase, but it was another small line that my friends and I locked in after watching the movie Jerry Maguire for the first time.

“You’re Jerry Ma’F@#*ing’guire.”

We used to like taking the same emphatic slur and place it in between the syllables of our last names. Well, mostly just my best friend Big D and I. And really it was my name that worked best for the parody. So because of that, it became sort of my own private motivational rallying cry.

“I’m Jeremy Bo’F@#*ing’hannon.”

To this day I still say it from time to time. I’d like to say it’s gotten me through some tough times. But really it’s just something to make me and the same best friend laugh while consuming alcohol.

That is until recently.

In the past few months since becoming a stay at home mom/dad, I've unknowingly entered into a battle of wills with a four year old. And I seem to be constantly on the losing end, so a rallying cry is exactly what it takes to get me going.

It’s gotten so rough that I’ve even began assigning points to each time we go at it. For instance; every time I ask her to do anything and she does it the first time, I get 3 points. If it takes a second request, that’s 2 points. It’s a push for three requests and then -1 and -2 for each there after. If I have to raise my voice in frustration, that’s -5. Now if at anytime she starts doing what she’s supposed to just from an intense stare, then I get 10 points.

At first glance, you may think that the scoring system seems weighted in my favor. And you’d be thinking right. That’s because in the actual battle, she has the high ground. So I need any scoring edge that I can get.

You see my only weapons in this battle are logic and reason. Kalen’s bringing emotion and youthful irrationality to the table. Anyone who’s ever fought in a similar battle knows the weight of her weapons make it near impossible for any chance at victory. In fact, to this day I’ve only achieved one 10 point stare.

And that day remains the closest I’ve ever came to a win.

Luckily for me and in spite of all her childlike irritations, she’s also bringing innocence and adorableness as well. What I’m learning and what other fathers probably or at least should already know, is that the weight of those two things make up for almost any battle, any problems, any negatives that may occur through the years.

Well, I say through the years. But I’m sure when she gets to be a teenager, all that cute innocence goes right out the window and attitude and angst will become her weapons of choice. And then there’ll be boys… after that I’d say I’m probably doomed. At least I have ten or so years before that starts happening.

Oh… and if you want to know the daily scores.

112 to 2 her... on average – J

Concert Goers As Compared to Kalen.

Way back in July, my then girlfriend did me the honor of becoming my wife… and in doing so made me as happy as I’ve ever been in my entire life. She also, as my groom’s gift, bought her and I tickets to one of my favorite bands… Kings of Leon.

That made me as doubly happy as I’ve ever been in my life.

The concert was last Wednesday night and for the first time since I started following KOL, they were playing a large venue. My wife had seen them with me once before, but our seats at that time were left stage balcony. Not the best head on viewing of a band one would like, but still a pretty damn good time. This time however, she got tickets to the floor and planned our arriving to the arena in time enough to get up front and center.

Both of us knew that having standing tickets to the floor would put us in the middle of a crowd of younger fans. But even when you know that standing ass to elbow with people will no doubt lead to a few frustrating situations. It doesn’t always mean you’ll be ready for how high a temperature your blood will peak when it begins to boil.

Now as a new parent, I admit that I am not one hundred percent perfect at the job. But I do know a thing or two. And one of things I know is that when we as parents have a night away from the kid(s), you don’t want to spend that time with mirroring behavior of your four year old. Especially if those doing the mirroring are near twenty years in age.

I’m good with the trying situations Kalen can deliver… after all; she’s not yet half a decade in age. So when she jumps around ignoring her surroundings and refuses to listen when asked to stop, I can just lead her to her room for a “time out”. If she becomes a nuisance to the other people in our company, we can escort her out and discipline her. But when some random twenty year old hops around ignoring the fact that she is bumping into my wife or surges forward constantly driving knees and elbows into the other concert goers, its kind of hard to snatch them up by their arm and give them a stern talking to.

No… instead of a lecture, with the big kids you sometime have to hurl some well placed expletives and maybe even illuminate how many different ways you can crumple them like an empty soda can. And even then you’re sometimes better suited throwing rocks at a tank.

Call me an old fogey, or maybe it’s the peace of mind that comes with the happiness of fatherhood and marital bliss… but I no longer crave for the confrontational resolutions of my youth. Instead of expressing my anger at 20’somethings, I would much rather spend my night trying to reason with the Kalenator.

Who knows? Maybe we are getting to old for the concert floor. Maybe the pit isn’t for 30’plus people. Maybe the balding of my scalp is the literal manifestation of my dwindling tolerance for younger crowds.

Or maybe my wife’s Facebook status of the night echoed the evening perfectly, “idiot b***hes” are just one of the hazards of going to concerts.

I guess we’ll find out when next I go concerting – J

PS, the “big kids” also spent a significant portion of the night dry humping like kids at rave all hopped up on ecstasy. I just couldn’t find a parallel to that with any of Kalen’s misbehaving.

Friday Funnies on Sunday.

We all have our quirks. Some quirks are worse then others. Take for instance the “Hulk” quirk. (Come on…what else would I call it?)

Some things just change people. For me, it’s tequila. Give me a handful of shots and get in the line for people I am soon to hate. That’s why my intake is regulated by my loved ones.

Unfortunately Kalen’s is not as easy to avoid. She can be an angel all day, but the moment mom gets home and it’s hello Kalen-Hulk.

We’re talking day and night here - J