Cathartiac Arrest

It’s official. Last night I had my first bout with anxiety during our pregnancy.

I was laying there in bed and the weighty realization of my looming fatherhood walked directly into my room, sat right on my chest and placed its legs squarely on my head.

Now before my loving and very understanding wife strikes me right on the side of my calculator, I should tell you that the amount of sleep lost due to this moment of man panic was about twelve whole minutes. Which, as a by product of stress, actually wasn’t so bad. It allowed me to finish watching the ten p.m. showing of Two and a Half Men. Which leads me to this theory… could the brevity of my inner turmoil be directly inversely proportionate to the comedic stylings of Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer?

Or maybe more so the comments of the chick that plays Berta?

Really no matter how long the “attack” or even what saving grace was dealt to relieve me, the point is that it was really the first moment that the severity of having a little person bred of my loins crawling this Earth solely relying on my sense of responsibility and love. Well, me AND the wife (I should mind my p’s and q’s here; I seem to be poetically tip toeing around my own literary land mines).

I mean, I couldn’t say this any other way then I am going to be a dad. Try that again… I am going to be a dad.

I am the same guy that very casually drifted from my high school to college, from hometown to several cities, and from friendship to relationship leaving behind ignored appointments, broken hearts, and empty beer bottles. I rarely stopped to take in the needs or wants of anyone. Be they male or female.

Maybe with the title of new father the sum of one’s own self worth really comes into focus. I mean, I had an idea that I have cruised through most of my life with more luck then I deserved. Hell, it’s that same luck that landed me in a marriage with a wonderful wife and beautiful stepdaughter. I know I am more then blessed with the friends I’ve clung to over the years. Because they’ve done more on their end to keep me as a friend then I could ever manage to repay. And that’s why…for at least moment… I thought, “S#!t… how the hell can I be a dad when I’ve relied on the strongest support network any slacker could ask for? What in the Sam hell am I going to do” (Because “Sam hell” is a common phrase in my brain).

It was after about ten of those lost twelve minutes of sleep, I came up with this answer… because I simply have to.


Well... I mean it’s a LITTLE more complicated, but not much.

Since meeting Melissa I’ve done a lot of growing up in a bunch of different ways. She’s been an enormous point of relief when I’m down (and occasionally a colossal pain in the @$$ even when I’m up... but that’s love people). And because of her, I will be a great dad.

I also feel that as a product of my mother and father, I have seen a tremendous amount of example of do’s and don’ts. Sometimes it seemed that the don’ts outnumbered the do’s, but that’s only made me more secure with my ability to raise my own kid. Add my childhood with my rapid onset adulthood, and I think I’m going to be ok. And if I should ever stray from my responsibility, that amazing wife of mine will kick me in exit hatch and get me back on path.

So after those ten minutes of thinking about all that and then coming up with the conclusion from the previous paragraph, I used the next two minutes of lost sleep to smile and settle right back into being excited about this next step in my life.

Our life.

And then I feel asleep - J